And yes, the second is that when I am at the height of frustration and anger, there comes some golden moments when the anger is subsiding and I come up with a firm conclusion or maybe a decision.
And yeah, a generic rule is always in place. Each hit makes me harder and stronger. Something I wrote in previous posts...
So todays post comes after a rather "I am out of my mind" kind of situation. I am not here for writing a magazine gossip article, so wont tell what all happened in detail. But it went like this. I am told to do a work. I say i'll do it and following previous experiences, I decide I have to do it no matter if I have to go out at 10:30 pm for that petty work. Previous experience I mention here is that I was accused of never keeping my words, never following what I decided, etc. etc. So obviously, this time I had to do it. Not to prove myself, but maybe to reassure those who are worried that I have no future and I am gonna be a failure; or maybe just another insect in the world, crawling day to day for my own living, forget about others. Sounds too sarcastic? No, thats the way it is. Thats the way it is time and time again.
Anyways, I set out to do the work ignoring the general fatigue and mindlessness I suffer from after my workouts. While doing it, I make a damn blunder due to my fallen level of consciousness. And then there is a problem. The problem costs Rs.100 or maybe Rs.200(at the maximum)...? I decide to make up for it and stand there for around; what seemed to be approximately 45 mins., again not to prove myself, not even to satisfy someone's doubts over me, but just out of genuine concern. And yeah, in the end, there is actually a rather simple solution, if you'd look it that way. But the people in question here, unfortunately don't take it that way. A mistake is a mistake is what they know. And a mistake is something which cannot be forgiven. It has to be followed by accusations and venting out of frustrations and....till you get out of your mind. And you don't lose your cool for all the battering, but for the fact that no one understands the genuine rectification that you wholeheartedly tried to make; where instead of the 45 mins of sweating and tensed efforts, you could have come home, accepted your dumb mistake, still get the battering and just give the 100 rupee solution without bothering yourself and your mind and even without raising questions over your conscience.
So, I'd say what the hell, next time I'd be that way. No tension for me, a LOT lesser tension for others and some self arising solution. But what to do, you just cant do that with some people. Its not conscience, its not relations, its not duty, that binds you to do this. Its involuntary. You keep being genuine with some people, no matter what...
I'll end this incident here...
For the rest of life, each day has an unhappiness, a vacuum, a continuous restlessness. About what?
Well, about many things. But yeah, more about life. Am I really destined to be that insect???......
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