I myself was wondering where to let out my thoughts today till it struck me that this would be the best place since no one hits this url except me. Save me, if someone visits this!
Now what was it that I didnt wanted anyone to read but yet express it somewhere. Yes, this could be my diary....
Well, to start of, it's been a long long time since the word "expectation" remains as a question to me. Well ask this. What if you feel there are very few or almost no one whom you know, who expect something from you? And what if you are too conscious or you can say, afraid to expect from anyone? These words sound like a loser speaks. But believe me, life teaches you that. Past experiences make you a coward in some terms, I might say. But yeah, you also gain something from it. What? No one in this damn world are you afraid of, conscious of... I've come to this point where its an interesting but rather self destructing situation for me. I don't expect much from anyone. This makes me invincible at heart as far as ego and self respect is concerned. Also, I don't give anyone that much of an importance. So if someone does bad to me(almost all times emotionally), I do what my heart says. Either give it twice as much back to them...or keep mum...whatever my conscience directs me to do. And this way I am always a winner at my own heart. But then, I have a rock solid conscience that you might call very "safe" for everyone around me. It gives very balanced decisions even under "stressful" circumstances.
Well the above part is what I look and what I achieve from outside. But what lies within? Within lies a dry feeling of "I dont care" & "Come what may..." which itself says the complete absence of emotions within me. And I dont like it. Having emotions and expectations was much better; you at least have a reason to follow something, to do something. You have the pursuit behind something... But right now, the truth is that you yourself know, you're a bigtime loser in life...Sounds funny? No, its a true feeling. No achievement.....coz there is no pursuit...why no pursuit? Coz you are too afraid to loose? Maybe yes... life's been that way. It has become, what you might call a vicious cycle. Even if I pursue anything big, I have a tendency that I wont loose at heart...even if i loose it in reality. It's not that I wont work hard coz of that; I would work damn sincerely and religiously, but that feeling which makes a person human, is somewhere strongly missing. As I start to loose the hold of my words...it's time I sign off for now, till the next time my emotions need an outlet. After all I satisfy myself by writing these emotions on a place no one would read(and I want that), n i'm a winner at heart again! haha!
-loser at heart-
No comments:
Post a Comment