THE BIGGEST TURN OR THE BIGGEST DOWNTURN

WELL,
I GET GOOSEBUMPS....family is back from a vacation and time is coming close where I will have to talk to them about further studies. Its not just further studies, its a point of no return...

Either I step up to a long success journey or just fall apart forever, changing my means of life, my perception, my conduct and probably my future. I wish to work hard, very hard and be successful. I want to take the harder and the perfect way a social human being pursues life. I want to take a risk...

With my family's financial standing, studying abroad is far from being easy, but not too hard. I am ready to take on hardships, but will my family co-operate? I don't know. This is probably the last big thing I ask from them. My current job is nearing its end and I have plans for studying abroad. Maybe moving out this year. My age is perfect, my mental state weak but firm as to what I want to do. I have endured too much of mental pain in this past life, losing all dreams. There is intense pressure, either I rise or I fall...

Two new things...

Well I've learnt two new things today. One is, that I come here to blog only when under a strong flow of emotions......and well, till date these have been mighty negative ones.

And yes, the second is that when I am at the height of frustration and anger, there comes some golden moments when the anger is subsiding and I come up with a firm conclusion or maybe a decision.

And yeah, a generic rule is always in place. Each hit makes me harder and stronger. Something I wrote in previous posts...

So todays post comes after a rather "I am out of my mind" kind of situation. I am not here for writing a magazine gossip article, so wont tell what all happened in detail. But it went like this. I am told to do a work. I say i'll do it and following previous experiences, I decide I have to do it no matter if I have to go out at 10:30 pm for that petty work. Previous experience I mention here is that I was accused of never keeping my words, never following what I decided, etc. etc. So obviously, this time I had to do it. Not to prove myself, but maybe to reassure those who are worried that I have no future and I am gonna be a failure; or maybe just another insect in the world, crawling day to day for my own living, forget about others. Sounds too sarcastic? No, thats the way it is. Thats the way it is time and time again.

Anyways, I set out to do the work ignoring the general fatigue and mindlessness I suffer from after my workouts. While doing it, I make a damn blunder due to my fallen level of consciousness. And then there is a problem. The problem costs Rs.100 or maybe Rs.200(at the maximum)...? I decide to make up for it and stand there for around; what seemed to be approximately 45 mins., again not to prove myself, not even to satisfy someone's doubts over me, but just out of genuine concern. And yeah, in the end, there is actually a rather simple solution, if you'd look it that way. But the people in question here, unfortunately don't take it that way. A mistake is a mistake is what they know. And a mistake is something which cannot be forgiven. It has to be followed by accusations and venting out of frustrations and....till you get out of your mind. And you don't lose your cool for all the battering, but for the fact that no one understands the genuine rectification that you wholeheartedly tried to make; where instead of the 45 mins of sweating and tensed efforts, you could have come home, accepted your dumb mistake, still get the battering and just give the 100 rupee solution without bothering yourself and your mind and even without raising questions over your conscience.

So, I'd say what the hell, next time I'd be that way. No tension for me, a LOT lesser tension for others and some self arising solution. But what to do, you just cant do that with some people. Its not conscience, its not relations, its not duty, that binds you to do this. Its involuntary. You keep being genuine with some people, no matter what...

I'll end this incident here...

For the rest of life, each day has an unhappiness, a vacuum, a continuous restlessness. About what?

Well, about many things. But yeah, more about life. Am I really destined to be that insect???......

Back to the abandoned....

Well here I come back to write this blog after many months.......(dont even remember how many!)

I myself was wondering where to let out my thoughts today till it struck me that this would be the best place since no one hits this url except me. Save me, if someone visits this!

Now what was it that I didnt wanted anyone to read but yet express it somewhere. Yes, this could be my diary....

Well, to start of, it's been a long long time since the word "expectation" remains as a question to me. Well ask this. What if you feel there are very few or almost no one whom you know, who expect something from you? And what if you are too conscious or you can say, afraid to expect from anyone? These words sound like a loser speaks. But believe me, life teaches you that. Past experiences make you a coward in some terms, I might say. But yeah, you also gain something from it. What? No one in this damn world are you afraid of, conscious of... I've come to this point where its an interesting but rather self destructing situation for me. I don't expect much from anyone. This makes me invincible at heart as far as ego and self respect is concerned. Also, I don't give anyone that much of an importance. So if someone does bad to me(almost all times emotionally), I do what my heart says. Either give it twice as much back to them...or keep mum...whatever my conscience directs me to do. And this way I am always a winner at my own heart. But then, I have a rock solid conscience that you might call very "safe" for everyone around me. It gives very balanced decisions even under "stressful" circumstances.

Well the above part is what I look and what I achieve from outside. But what lies within? Within lies a dry feeling of "I dont care" & "Come what may..." which itself says the complete absence of emotions within me. And I dont like it. Having emotions and expectations was much better; you at least have a reason to follow something, to do something. You have the pursuit behind something... But right now, the truth is that you yourself know, you're a bigtime loser in life...Sounds funny? No, its a true feeling. No achievement.....coz there is no pursuit...why no pursuit? Coz you are too afraid to loose? Maybe yes... life's been that way. It has become, what you might call a vicious cycle. Even if I pursue anything big, I have a tendency that I wont loose at heart...even if i loose it in reality. It's not that I wont work hard coz of that; I would work damn sincerely and religiously, but that feeling which makes a person human, is somewhere strongly missing. As I start to loose the hold of my words...it's time I sign off for now, till the next time my emotions need an outlet. After all I satisfy myself by writing these emotions on a place no one would read(and I want that), n i'm a winner at heart again! haha!

-loser at heart-