What is Normal?

Hello Dairy...

I come back to you after so many years....it's not that life was all good in this time but anyways....

They say I am boring. Do not get me wrong; it doesn't bother me as I am beyond all the things that would make me bother. They say I am an uncle, I act older than my age at 26, I do not enjoy what others do. I am comfortable accepting it, not because I gave up on myself but because I know it's true. But then there are always moments you wish you could enjoy some things that others do. There are moments you long for life to be normal. But that is not the way of life. It can be anything but normal. Why do you people blame me then, for being boring. I was happy being so called boring till you come and I think maybe I could be normal and excited about things the way you are able to. I try, try, try...and I sometimes hope maybe I can enjoy the moment, maybe I will get there; the state where one is living in the moment like you, minus the past, minus everything. I wanted to be exciting, I wanted to be Not-Boring. So what happened?

Dear life, you took away my reasons of excitement and made me realise being boring is the way of life for me because You, my dear life need to throw darkness around each corner, around each hope, around each potential happiness.

Family, Relationships, Career. Three areas plagued by darkness on the same day. And I acknowledge your dexterity on hitting that bullseye. Just wow. I was tackling, coping up with one problem and you slapped my face with a bigger one. I broke, gave up on first problem. Then you pinched me with third. And these hurts have now made me numb. Numb to the extent that I am not only boring, I feel emotionless. Maybe that's good - being emotionless. Maybe that's how future is, thanks for preparing me for it.

-LD

THE BIGGEST TURN OR THE BIGGEST DOWNTURN

WELL,
I GET GOOSEBUMPS....family is back from a vacation and time is coming close where I will have to talk to them about further studies. Its not just further studies, its a point of no return...

Either I step up to a long success journey or just fall apart forever, changing my means of life, my perception, my conduct and probably my future. I wish to work hard, very hard and be successful. I want to take the harder and the perfect way a social human being pursues life. I want to take a risk...

With my family's financial standing, studying abroad is far from being easy, but not too hard. I am ready to take on hardships, but will my family co-operate? I don't know. This is probably the last big thing I ask from them. My current job is nearing its end and I have plans for studying abroad. Maybe moving out this year. My age is perfect, my mental state weak but firm as to what I want to do. I have endured too much of mental pain in this past life, losing all dreams. There is intense pressure, either I rise or I fall...

Two new things...

Well I've learnt two new things today. One is, that I come here to blog only when under a strong flow of emotions......and well, till date these have been mighty negative ones.

And yes, the second is that when I am at the height of frustration and anger, there comes some golden moments when the anger is subsiding and I come up with a firm conclusion or maybe a decision.

And yeah, a generic rule is always in place. Each hit makes me harder and stronger. Something I wrote in previous posts...

So todays post comes after a rather "I am out of my mind" kind of situation. I am not here for writing a magazine gossip article, so wont tell what all happened in detail. But it went like this. I am told to do a work. I say i'll do it and following previous experiences, I decide I have to do it no matter if I have to go out at 10:30 pm for that petty work. Previous experience I mention here is that I was accused of never keeping my words, never following what I decided, etc. etc. So obviously, this time I had to do it. Not to prove myself, but maybe to reassure those who are worried that I have no future and I am gonna be a failure; or maybe just another insect in the world, crawling day to day for my own living, forget about others. Sounds too sarcastic? No, thats the way it is. Thats the way it is time and time again.

Anyways, I set out to do the work ignoring the general fatigue and mindlessness I suffer from after my workouts. While doing it, I make a damn blunder due to my fallen level of consciousness. And then there is a problem. The problem costs Rs.100 or maybe Rs.200(at the maximum)...? I decide to make up for it and stand there for around; what seemed to be approximately 45 mins., again not to prove myself, not even to satisfy someone's doubts over me, but just out of genuine concern. And yeah, in the end, there is actually a rather simple solution, if you'd look it that way. But the people in question here, unfortunately don't take it that way. A mistake is a mistake is what they know. And a mistake is something which cannot be forgiven. It has to be followed by accusations and venting out of frustrations and....till you get out of your mind. And you don't lose your cool for all the battering, but for the fact that no one understands the genuine rectification that you wholeheartedly tried to make; where instead of the 45 mins of sweating and tensed efforts, you could have come home, accepted your dumb mistake, still get the battering and just give the 100 rupee solution without bothering yourself and your mind and even without raising questions over your conscience.

So, I'd say what the hell, next time I'd be that way. No tension for me, a LOT lesser tension for others and some self arising solution. But what to do, you just cant do that with some people. Its not conscience, its not relations, its not duty, that binds you to do this. Its involuntary. You keep being genuine with some people, no matter what...

I'll end this incident here...

For the rest of life, each day has an unhappiness, a vacuum, a continuous restlessness. About what?

Well, about many things. But yeah, more about life. Am I really destined to be that insect???......

Back to the abandoned....

Well here I come back to write this blog after many months.......(dont even remember how many!)

I myself was wondering where to let out my thoughts today till it struck me that this would be the best place since no one hits this url except me. Save me, if someone visits this!

Now what was it that I didnt wanted anyone to read but yet express it somewhere. Yes, this could be my diary....

Well, to start of, it's been a long long time since the word "expectation" remains as a question to me. Well ask this. What if you feel there are very few or almost no one whom you know, who expect something from you? And what if you are too conscious or you can say, afraid to expect from anyone? These words sound like a loser speaks. But believe me, life teaches you that. Past experiences make you a coward in some terms, I might say. But yeah, you also gain something from it. What? No one in this damn world are you afraid of, conscious of... I've come to this point where its an interesting but rather self destructing situation for me. I don't expect much from anyone. This makes me invincible at heart as far as ego and self respect is concerned. Also, I don't give anyone that much of an importance. So if someone does bad to me(almost all times emotionally), I do what my heart says. Either give it twice as much back to them...or keep mum...whatever my conscience directs me to do. And this way I am always a winner at my own heart. But then, I have a rock solid conscience that you might call very "safe" for everyone around me. It gives very balanced decisions even under "stressful" circumstances.

Well the above part is what I look and what I achieve from outside. But what lies within? Within lies a dry feeling of "I dont care" & "Come what may..." which itself says the complete absence of emotions within me. And I dont like it. Having emotions and expectations was much better; you at least have a reason to follow something, to do something. You have the pursuit behind something... But right now, the truth is that you yourself know, you're a bigtime loser in life...Sounds funny? No, its a true feeling. No achievement.....coz there is no pursuit...why no pursuit? Coz you are too afraid to loose? Maybe yes... life's been that way. It has become, what you might call a vicious cycle. Even if I pursue anything big, I have a tendency that I wont loose at heart...even if i loose it in reality. It's not that I wont work hard coz of that; I would work damn sincerely and religiously, but that feeling which makes a person human, is somewhere strongly missing. As I start to loose the hold of my words...it's time I sign off for now, till the next time my emotions need an outlet. After all I satisfy myself by writing these emotions on a place no one would read(and I want that), n i'm a winner at heart again! haha!

-loser at heart-

Oh man.....its been a long long time since I posted anything here....will begin now...

how playing guitar became my passion

Part 2

Anyways days passed as we kept our practice and fortunately I made a new guitarist friend who was also a like minded person like me and a little bit ahead in terms of guitar. He was supposed to be my new fellow guitarist. Later on, the practice place was decided to be my friend’s house, which was quite comfortable; and later even at my house. Practicing at my own house was the best and therein lie the reason for our final victory!

It was my dad. It was his training and tips that led the newbies like us to win.

Then came the Judgment day. We were sitting the air conditioned auditorium and yet sweating; waiting for our turn. There were participants from various colleges. One more thing worth mentioning was that we were an entry called “OTSE” (on the spot entry). This meant that had it been not our luck and there were already enough participants, we would have been denied entry into the competition. Anyways lady luck smiled after a lot of haggling with the organizers and we got entry.

Coming back to the scene; there were some really good people on keyboards, guitars, etc. accompanying other singers. Frankly speaking our greatest competition was from our own college participant who had come through eliminations and were having almost pro accompanists. Now you know, the sweat on my body had many reasons.

Finally our turn came. We performed. After the performance, we shook hands. Went down the stage and waited for the event to get over. They announced the third runner up, second runner up and I was in my own world. Not aware of anything happening around me; still thinking of how we performed and how the crowd appreciated up. Believe me, the crowd’s response had almost satisfied me for the level of guitar I played.

By the time I was thinking all this, judge announced the first prize goes to….there were shouts of OTSE 1. I didn’t knew who it was. And then the judge continued….yes it is OTSE 1. I was still unaffected until I saw my singer showing vigorous signs of victory. We had won the first prize! I couldn’t believe it! Once again we went up the stage shook hands amidst a loud applause while the judge acclaimed that it was the good singing as well as the good co ordination amongst the singers(male & female), singers and guitarists that made way for the fist prize.

Hats off to my dad for this victory! …and yes some credit to ourselves too…

Later on, I gave around 5 more performances in the college and now being in final year, doubt if I will ever again get a chance to give one more. But I know, I will do it sometime, something BIG!

How playing guitar became my passion

Part 1


Today I start with my own story. I am in my final year of graduation. I am a budding guitarist and have given performances in the college. I still remember the first performance I gave.

I wasn’t actually a performance. It was a duet singing inter college competition as a part of our college fest “SIESONS”. It was just months before that I had started practicing guitar seriously. It wasn’t exactly a craze kinda thing coz I just felt it’s the time to learn it. (BTW, impressing girls was never my motive) My dad has been a professional guitarist and so many times it was a shame for me not being able to hold a chord properly.

Anyways during my first days of learning when I decided to perform; rather compete, my journey was tough. I had to take the guitar to the college whereas this is still the most uncomfortable thing to do for me. I just feel awkward. Not because I cant play or something, but because now a days it has been linked to being a style accessory. Not sure if that is the fact, but I feel so!

I was supposed to pair with a (at that time) better guitarist who had attitude. A newbie (or noob!...whatever u call it) entering a circle of experienced guitarists with his own guitar is the worst thing that can happen to him. You barely get the play your own guitar! And when you make a serious effort to play, you get 100 recommendations and suggestions as if you are doing a crime and the judge in the court is accusing you! Over and above everything, I am an egoistic person. So I almost had a fight with one of them.

Anyways, the points on which I was criticized, I practiced hard. Hard, really till my fingers pained and the next day I had overcome that. I don’t like to boast, but sometimes it is necessary :P . The moment my ego is hurt, I work wonders! And that’s how I had learnt skating (but that’s a different story) too.